Monday, November 25, 2013

Grand Theft Tricycle by a Three Year Old

When my brother was three he realised that he could get whatever he wanted by sitting on his bottom and screaming very loudly in public spaces. He would refuse to move from wherever he was sitting until he was bought whatever his heart desired. My parents often gave in just to stop people staring at them like they hit their baby. But then my mother had enough.
My father was not impressed by this suggestion.
With that he decided to take us all toy shopping. Rather than have to deal with us all in the shop, he left my sisters and I sulking in the car. 
He then marched into the toy store with my brother trailing behind him.
It wasn't long before my brother spotted something he liked the look of. A small tricycle. 
He threw his usual tantrum.
My father probably thought he'd solved the mystery of child-rearing when my brother stopped crying immediately. 
But my brother was quite a conniving child. He took a different tact. 
He hopped straight on the tricycle and started cycling towards the exit. 
My father didn't even notice as my brother pedaled furiously towards escape. He made his way under the till barriers and out through the automatic doors. 
From the car we could see him emerging. 
We glowered as he made his way towards the car his arms outstretched in glory. 
We were more than a little annoyed. 
Then we noticed the giant man sprinting after our brother trying to catch him. It was the toy store's security man. 
My father was following sheepishly behind and looked mortified when he was presented with my brother. 
Needless to say we excitedly recounted the tale to my mother. 
The next time we went to the toy store they had implemented some new security measures. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Our Drunken Mistake of a Toothfairy

When I was growing up we had an issue every time we lost a tooth. Our tooth fairy NEVER remembered to come.
Now my mother did her best to explain the situation. She told us elaborate tales of our alcoholic tooth fairy that couldn't quite get it together.
She suggested I draw huge signs to tape all around the house so the tooth fairy couldn't miss them. No matter how ridiculously drunk she got. So I spent hours drawing huge posters to direct the tooth fairy.
But the tooth fairy still forget. The more the tooth fairy forgot the more my mother explained.
I was so fascinated that I wanted to meet this drunken mess of a fairy. So as any child would do I lay in wait.
Which inevitably lead to a certain amount of surprise.
and of course the only logical conclusion.

Monday, November 11, 2013

The ONLY Circumstances in which Facebook Food Pictures are COMPREHENDABLE

You've probably garnered from the title that I'm not a fan of the old food picture. It's not that I have anything against it. It's just that a picture of your friday beer or sunday mojito isn't exactly what I signed up to facebook for. Not that these are the most offensive of the food/drink related posts people seem to spend most of their lives composing. That would probably be the pictures of coffee in styrofoam cups.
Then there's the issue of the would-be-chefs. That post pictures of everything they make, whether or not it looks particularly edible seems to be of little importance.
Another highly disturbing development is pictures of just completely boring and regular food items. The sort of food items that don't exactly sashay across the plate, let alone make a riveting photograph.
I concede that I'm a little grumpy. There was a lot of pictures of nonplussed vegetables on my facebook news feed over the last few weeks. So I propose the following exceptions to the cause, in all of the following cases I think it would be both charming and relevant to post a picture of your food. Otherwise it might be best to just refrain. 

1) The most obvious thing to take a picture of is food that decides to fight back. Whether this is a chicken squirting hot oil in a lemons eyes or a piece of spinach finally having its way with popeye.
2) If strange relationships develop between your food. Please feel free to report them. 
3)  If your food gives you magnificent and secret powers, I would like to know. 
4) Any ridiculously talented food is also a welcome piece of news. 
5) Also food that is participating in torrid love affairs. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

You Know You're Ancient Before Your Time When Your Halloween Party Goes Like This...

My housemate decided to throw a house party for Halloween. This threw me into a huge state of turmoil. Not only did this thwart all plans I had of eating my weight in chocolate while watching bad horror movies but it also meant I had to decide who to invite.
After realising that most of my friends are as socially inept as me, I decided it was best to avoid any situation in which they were forced to mingle with people who have mastered the art of small talk.
That's right I made the decision not to know anybody at a party in my own house. At the time it seemed like the wisest move. Now there was only a costume to worry about. We went shopping for odds and ends. The only problem with this is that I hate shopping. It makes me feel ill and dizzy and hungry. I lose the will to live and become easily influenced. Which is exactly what happened. 
At the time the lady bird costume built for your average five year old seemed hilarious. But on the night it just looked hideous and ridiculous. 
I went downstairs to show my housemate how silly I looked. I found her looking like some sort of beautiful sugar coated princess. 
Then my other housemate came downstairs looking exactly like she always looks when staying in for the night. She'd turned herself into a giant fluffy dressing gown and when I asked what she was supposed to be I found out that attending our house's house party had been a choice all along. 
It was too late though. Guests started arriving and I was clearly dressed up to participate. As people filed in I noticed a recurring pattern in their outfits. They almost looked like they weren't dressed up at all, with the exception of some subtle head pieces.
I sat sociably in a corner watching the party slowly heat up. It wasn't long before our sitting room became some sort of strange photo-shoot. Full of laughter and if something wasn't funny enough to merit actual laughter people would just flick their hair and say "LOL." 
I was horrified and turned to the other semi-anti-social sitting on the outskirts beside me and voiced my concern. I mistakenly thought she would be equally disturbed. 
At that point I gave up on the party.
I skulked off to my room. Where I had more important and pressing matters to handle. 
I spent hours organising my drawers and making lists of things I needed to do. Eventually the party left our house to go and "LOL" elsewhere. My housemate who'd also been hiding in her room, emerged to investigate the damage. She came to me looking ever so slightly terrified. 
We spent five minutes peeping at the comatose teenager sprawled across our couch. 
We flicked the light switches on and off until he snorted and revealed he was indeed alive. We then decided to clean up some of the crazier things he had done in his drunken stupor. 
After cleaning raw eggs off the floor, we decided it was best to go to sleep and leave the boy sleeping off his condition. The next morning we were all having breakfast and he had vanished. There was a note left where he had been sleeping. 
At this point we realised that nobody had any idea who Jack or Stephen were. We sat sipping our tea in shock. 

Follow This Blog

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner