Thursday, March 5, 2015

10 Ways to be a Woman (Seriously?)

Last week, I read an article that told me how to be a WOMAN. There I was, naively, imagining that being born with all the womanly bits and bobs was enough. I've been misled. To be a woman you must ignore what hard evidence suggests and engage in the following practices.


1) One cannot be a woman without maintaining high levels of personal grooming. Never mind anything else (life questions, academia, taking out the bins, thinking - leave that to the men), it's important that you tweeze regularly and file your nails.
2) A woman must always portray herself with dignity on Social Media (You really can't make this nonsense up. The mention of Social Media was particularly alarming, because I'd been reading under the assumption that the article was written in the Dark Ages).

3) A woman must learn to hold her liquor, if she cannot hold her liquor then she simply must not drink (I'm not sure this person has ever been to a real town.).

4) A woman must always appear to be happy. (All other emotions have been taken, moronic laughter is your ticket to womanhood).

5) A woman must learn to write thank you notes. People will then know she is kind and gentle and womanly. (God forbid she should be barbaric and say THANK YOU like a man).


6) A woman must dress conservatively. In some nice pumps, with a string of pearls and a conservative dress. (Sounds to me like the "woman" who wrote this article, has only ever encountered women in cults/churches/other planets).


7) A woman crosses her legs. (Does she?)



8) A real woman must know how to walk in heels so as not to look like a tottering duck. (Yes, tottering has been known to reduce oestrogen levels).

9) A real woman will practice and perfect a polite telephone manner (there are no words).


10) And, in case we still weren't sure what a woman should look like. The article continued to dictate on the matter of modest clothing (which made me want to knock on her door and twerk in hot-pants).





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