How to Discuss Art and Get Away with it

It used to be as simple as faking a British accent, donning a fur coat and a cigar for the ladies and a monocle and moustache for the men. Then you could turn up and say things such as:

“ Darling is this not sublime,”

“The eyes, they are so vivid,”

But fashion and art changed.

No longer are we faced with simple portraits and epic landscapes. Those days are gone and now would be art connoisseurs are faced with a whole different animal, sometimes figuratively speaking and often quite literally so.

Everything's become a lot more progressive and some might say a little harder to fake. But not me, oh no...

The first thing you have to consider is your attire. There are still fur coats, of course, but they don’t really support your cause. You’ll probably blend in better if you wear ridiculously tight jeans  or a big dowdy granny dress and pair them with impossibly large glasses (with actual glass in the frames being optional).

As for affecting a foreign accent. The British accent won’t get you any further; than say an Irish one. So stick to whatever comes naturally...unless you're American. American accents are to be avoided outside of the States if you don’t want to be given the “tourist-eye-roll” treatment.

But the question is not what to wear or what accent to use while viewing art, although people might pay more attention to your statements if you’re dressed appropriately. The bigger problem here is what should you say. How do you discuss it without sounding like you fell off a bus from the 1960's.  

And this is exactly what I suggest saying, in a throw-away voice and with an exasperated sigh.

People will nod in awe at your profundity.

Alternatively you can try some other useful sentences which say everything you need to without saying…well…anything.

“It’s so derivative.” (Best said with a scowl and an impatient shrug)

“There’s such emotion in this piece.” (Best said looking mournfully at the piece and clutching your chest)

“It really just says so much.” (Best to follow this with a slow shake of the head)

Love Works Like This According to the Movies

1. As long as you are beautiful, but not the most beautiful person in the scenario…you will get the guy. This simply means that a strategically gorgeous tall enemy will only heighten your chances of finding Mr. Right, provided that the only thing between you and becoming a super-model is your height.

 2. If a man holds a door for you act stroppy and independent and slam it in his face for good measure. It’s the power-women that find their softer side that get the guy.

3. The guy you hate on sight. He’s the one. 

4. Gay-best-friends are generally undercover straight-men trying to marry you.

5. If there are not enough weird and wacky "coincidences" then this is not true love. It can’t be easy, it must be serendipitous.

6. Beautiful men will eat your heart for breakfast and someone else’s for lunch.

7. Secretaries seem to sleep with everyone.

8. You must do something really awful to people you think you love. This way you test whether or not they will love you despite the fact that you got them fired, kidnapped their baby or called their mother a whore.

9. You should be really clumsy around guys you are trying to impress. This will result in lots of embarrassing situations that will magically make him fall in love with you. What’s more attractive than finding your future wife face down in the fish-display? Am I right?

10. All confusion and sadness is cured by sitting on park benches where you once spent time with the person in question. Here you will experience a series of touching flashbacks that will make your next step obvious.